You may find yourself living is the rural south. You may find your hearth to be a small country house nestled in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains, which you rented from the trustee of the school you’re working for. If you haven’t guessed, this is my story. For added zest, my rural neighbor was a car mechanic/ex-con named Louis. When my dad and I pulled up in a U-Hual, Louis offered up an Old Milwaukee and described himself as a redneck. As it turned out, Louis was always down for horseshoes, Old Milwaukee, and evenings of watching Jeopardy. Still, Louis’ companionship did not totally complete me.
So it was that some months I entered the unfamiliar world of Internet dating. Match.com is an amazing thing. It is something like finding the garden of Eden if the path there was lined with minefields. I went on a few dates sheepishly looking for, “friendship.” It was on the third date that my love life rose again. I saw her in the lobby of a Mexican bar. She was slender and fair with a flock of fiery red hair. Her green eyes twinkled in the neon light of the Corona signs. Then she spoke.
It is often said that accents are an attraction. Of course, this is subjective because nobody really thinks they have an accent. However, in our case it was undeniable that we spoke differently. She had a beautiful southern drawl and I nasally, “talked Yankee.” Her voice was like silk wrapping around my mind. I was done for. Here is a quick list of reasons why dating a southern girl is awesome:
1. They are hot! No really, they are sweet natured and sassy at the same time.
2. They have hot accents. Already covered.
3. They are generally healthier looking because they live in a place with consistent sun exposure. I theorize that this added exposure gives them a more pleasant disposition.
4. They enjoy riding horses.
5. They clean up exceptionally well; often even to run errands. You would be surprised what a little makeup, a lip wax and a string of pearls will do for a girl.
6. Their culture is one of beauty pageants; I was dating the winner of a few.
7. They cook exceptionally delicious (though not particularly) food. Delicious pulled pork is so commonplace they just call it Barbeque.
8. They are very cute. They have cute names. They even complain cute. You can’t help but smile when they try to start a fight.
9. They are generally over the whole, “War of North of Northern Aggression,” thing.
10. They have hot accents.
For no good reason, the Southern Belle at El Ranchito of Martinsville, Virginia thought I was pretty cute. More to the point, she eventually agreed that I might be husband material. You have to wonder what cool benefits there might be to marrying a Southerner? Ultimately, that may be living in a warm state. Will Louis be there sipping on Old Milwaukee? No, in my version we’re putting back moonshine. Oh wait, that wasn’t a dream; it was our Super Bowl bonding experience. The greatest feat I have accomplished, so far, is getting a Southern Belle to move north. You have to start with mildly false statements like, “it’s not that cold.” However you do it, the warmth of her smile and twang will keep you warm through any season.
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