Archive: Breaking! Lincon - Douglas style Debate for VPs

I think I'm in love
Can sculpt her from memory
That sounded creepy

Dateline Obama HQ. Shortly after a text message and an email sent out by the Obama camp, Joe Biden attempted to release a statement on youtube, however it was rejected for length. This reporter was lucky enough to snatch the carbon sheets before being 86'd from the joint.

Here are a few excerpts:
"Good morning, I am pleased to announce that after a long and arduous road, that wound from one side of this majestic topiary to the other side of this serious but sensitive nation of ours, I Joseph Biden am running for the nomination for the vice presidency of these united States of America."

It rambles on for a while but here is some juicy stuff:
"If it's a three hour debate that crochety gentleman wants it's a three hour debate he will get!"

After pouring over the thirty page single spaced document (reading backwards off a carbon sheet), I think that Joe Biden is not challenging his Republican counterpart but the whole party.

He writes, "I don't care who you are if they want to debate and your a blood sucking fascist mutant, we will verbally tear the flesh from your bones!" The rest of the transcript is incoherent and describes a post-apocalyptic scene-scape that, interestingly and creatively diverts from biblical imagery.

If it's one thing that this reporter is that would be excited. These debates will be a Hunter S. Thompsian jungle fight to the death, with the last man as the Vice President chosen by the Gods. According to the transcript the debate will take place after New Mexico is swallowed by the worm goddess.

(Update: those carbon sheets that I snatched from Obama HQ was in fact a manuscript of a short story that a senior staffer was in the middle of showing the Senior Senator from Delaware. I will review that story latter this week)

Breaking! Palin Agrees to Lincon-Douglas

As reported by our Senior Political analyst Matt Kuhr on the esteemed GVSU-Campaign Blog:

As reported on Awkward Haiku Joe Biden has already agreed to a historic and endurance testing three hour debate with out even knowing who his competitor would be.

After hearing that it would be Governor Sarah Palin of the state of Alaska Senator Biden had this to say, "I am very pleased to be competing against a formidable, if tender, opponent. If this word combat turns to slander and trifle remarks about ones family, as I expect it will, I will not hesitate to respond harshly."

After I told Governor Palin this incendiary remark she responded viciously and 'without blinking', "Bring it on dirt bag! You know the only difference between a Senator from Delaware and a Governor from Alaska, no one knows where Delaware is!"

When I told her that this response did not make sense, she responded "You know the difference between an ex-mayor of Wassilla and a nosy journalist hack!?" I didn't hear her response due to the static from what I am guessing was the poor telephone infrastructure of Alaska.

Back in Washington I was not able to get a response from Senator Biden himself because the Biden task force recognized me as that guy that stole Bill's Sci-Fi Political thriller and threw me out of the building. Next time I will remember to wear my Groucho Marx glasses.

When I asked for another response from the McCain-Palin campaign I got a link to this video and became very confused: (Barak O'Bollywood)

I promise that next week I will give a review of what I found out to be Bill Clinton's Sci-Fi Political Thriller entitled, "The Viceroy President of Americania"